I usually don’t do gimmicky astrology on my site. The truth is that I’ve become more fond of it in my old age because I like the little ways that astrology applies. Yes, you can buy gifts by a person’s Venus sign, or make a person a superb dinner based on their Moon sign. Call me a Sagittarius, but I think that there is no point in studying anything if you must take it seriously all the time…much to my law professors’ collective chagrin. [I still graduated, by the way.]

 

But if you think about it, most astrologers are first introduced to the art through newspaper horoscopes and lighthearted articles. I think perhaps the best thing astrologers can do is to write well no matter what they write, because in the end, I’m really tired of looking at my Facebook feed and seeing pictures that list Capricorn as a hot and sensuous lover.

Insane Little Ways to Discover A Person’s Sun Sign:

Aries: These people may literally have their tongues wagging, and they pant like puppies when excited or interested. If you make plans for the end of the week, they will tell you every single day up until the event how excited they are to go. Has a tendency to walk off without you and is genuinely confused when they look back and realize you’re not behind them. They also do this at work: when they have an idea and the boss says no, they do it anyway and just assume it is their job to convince everyone they were right. Gets way too competitive over table hockey. Gets way too competitive over crossing the street in a hurry when the light is yellow. Gets way too competitive during bumper bowling. Yells all the fucking time; tries to whisper and fears that you can’t hear them. If you’ve met someone walking around bleeding from the head and they don’t seem to be aware of it AND they’re sober, you have probably met an Aries.

Taurus: If you ask someone their opinion, tried to gently persuade them otherwise and they shut down and turn away, you have a Taurus. Takes compromise as a personal insult. Smiles sleepily when you tease them about anything but their houseplants. Walks across the street at their own pace and ignores the cars honking all along the interstate. Thinks rapini is crazy. Thinks nothing of walking around the house naked with all the blinds open. Eats the same sandwich for lunch for months on end. Their DVR is always recording a cooking show and God help you if you accidentally erase one.  Thinks mandatory recycling is government-sanctioned theft. If you know someone who chronically sleeps through their morning alarm and eats so slowly that their food turns moldy before they clear their plate but are silent at mealtime, you have a Taurus. If you know a grown adult who hides cookies from you when you come over, you probably know a Taurus.

Gemini: Gemini is fond of shouting Oh My God! a lot, and whatever they have to say rarely merits it. Sometimes, they just do it to remind you that they still exist. They greet you as if they know you well enough to tell you the details of their personal life and what they think of what you’re wearing and how great it is to see you and you really shouldn’t find any part of this interaction awkward because they’re just being friendly, and they say this verbatim without blinking or taking a breath. Fills up a shopping cart and by the time they get to the checkout, changes their mind and put everything back and picks up new stuff on the way. Still has a home phone. Only dates people who look just like them. Gemini is often unsure what their real hair color is and excessively quotes the jokes from their favorite movies, television shows, and books as if daring you to reach out and strangle them. All people who are still tattle tales in adulthood are Geminis.

Cancer: The first person to let you know when they don’t appreciate your sense of humor or that they’re think you’re being mean is usually a Cancer. If you have ever seriously considered buying a baby doll as a present for a grown adult, you were probably shopping for a Cancer. This is usually the person who either cries or explodes in a fit of anger if they find out that their little cousin got a D in art class. If you ever got a homemade Christmas card with a picture of a whole bunch of kids and a dog you have never seen before, it probably came from a Cancer. Hates handshakes as they think they’re too impersonal, and prefers to hug hello and good-bye, and the bus driver has to remind them to get back behind the yellow line. And that’s okay, because they still expect him to come to Thanksgiving with 4,000 of Cancer’s closest relatives. When they say they’re fine, that nothing is wrong, the Earth starts to tremble. They often confuse their childhood memories for episodes of Little House on the Prairie, and you hate it when they call you Nellie.

Leo: Actually, Leos are proud to be Leos and tell you they are Leos because they don’t know enough about astrology to know that not everyone thinks they’re hot shit. If you see a woman grocery shopping in four-inch heels, she may be a Leo, especially if her hair gets caught in the overhead fans. If you know a grandfather who shops at Hot Topic and drives a muscle car to Denny’s where he demands the best seat in the house, you have a Leo. If you know someone who hears the Muzak in the elevator, says that it is their song and starts dancing, you have a Leo. If you know someone who took a selfie while being mugged, you have a Leo. Can be heard walking into a room because their jewelry is clacking against itself. Can be heard walking into a room because they literally announce that they’re arrived, in case you actually missed the freak in gold lamé pants swishing into White Castle. Will take out a student loan but uses it to buy designer purses instead of textbooks and assumes they can simply wing organic chemistry. If you know someone who has a pet name for their hairdryer, you have probably met a Leo.

Virgo: If you have ever met someone who tries to convince you that they are actually born on the cusp of Leo, then you have a Virgo. If you know someone who has ever considered making a manure catcher bag for their hamster, you have a Virgo. If you know someone who knows exactly what is wrong with you and tells you, matter-of-factly, a laundry list of your flaws, in front of your colleagues, you probably have a Virgo. Is convinced that their goldfish feel affection for them. Goes to a Chuck E Cheese and asks the server whether the tomatoes in the pizza sauce are non-GMO, heirloom, and locally sourced. Uses hand sanitizer as lubrication when they masturbate. Just kidding! They never masturbate. Coordinates their socks with their underwear in case they get hit by a bus and have to be rushed to the hospital. Tells their doctors what to prescribe them. Gets high from baby aspirin. Gets wet listening to Prokofiev. Always has a faint smell of bleach on their hands. Is either shivering or shuddering; either way, they’re pretty sure they’re dying. If you know someone who replaces their toothbrush after one use, you probably have a Virgo.

Libra: The easiest way to spot a Libra is to leave it up to them to figure out where you will go out to eat. If they politely suffer through whatever godawful greasy spoon you choose, you have a Libra. If you suspect someone of gifting you clothes because they’re trying to tell you that you have no taste, that person is probably a Libra. If you know someone who has more frenemies than friends, you have a Libra. If you know someone who owns the same sweater in every color and still has nothing to wear, you know a Libra. Libra flirts with people in line while waiting to vote. Goes to trial and ends up getting the judge’s phone number. Will give you a ride wherever you want to go because they can’t be alone. Doesn’t think it’s weird to share an umbrella, sleeping bag, or scuba mask with you.  Accidentally sleeps with your best friend. Literally shits ice cream and pisses dreams come true. Still gets a pedicure, in winter, while living at a science station in Antarctica. If you have ever had a crush on someone who was too kind to tell you what a creep you are but got a Cancer do it for them, you know a Libra.

Scorpio: If you have ever been simultaneously accused of trying to kill someone and not having the guts to do it, and that is actually true because you know that if they die, they will haunt the fuck out of you, you have met a Scorpio. Scorpio uses a come-hither voice without realizing it and outsells every other hot dog vendor in the city. Tells you what you are thinking before you have thought it and you think this is rude at first but realize that they’re right; you do want to fuck them, right here, right now, in this Salvation Army donation box. Is always ten steps ahead of everyone and brings his or her own list of grievances to a performance evaluation and gets their boss fired. Thinks world domination is an attainable goal. Gets tips from the bartender when they go out on the weekends. Yawns at leather bars. If you know someone who has ever said, in all seriousness, that they can see your soul, you know a Scorpio. If you know someone who has ever bartered for candy from a baby, you have a Scorpio. If you know someone who thinks Q from Star Trek was the real hero of the television series, you have a Scorpio.

Sagittarius: Confess that you can’t eat or drink just one of anything, and if they not only agree, but start to tell you what things they can’t stop eating or drinking, you have a Sagittarius. They are unusually susceptible to doing stupid things to make Libras laugh and stepping out of the way so Aries can freely hit their heads on things. They tend to ramble when they talk and will begin and end a staff meeting touching on nothing on the agenda but revealing more about themselves than is appropriate or desired. Walks everywhere because they don’t have the patience to navigate public transit systems or pay attention while driving. Despite all the practice, still can’t manage to walk in a straight line. Trips, falls, and finds winning lottery ticket on the ground. People think they’re lucky because they haven’t fallen into an open manhole yet. Always asks about the dress code in job interviews and fist pumps when they hear that there is none. Has a strange fondness for exotic meat jerky. If you know someone who will discuss Derrida while they have food in their beard, you have a Sagittarius.

Capricorn: If you know someone who was given a cemetery plot for their high school graduation, you know a Capricorn. Actually wanted to go into corporate law when they applied to law school and wore a suit to class. Got their first gray hair in the 3rd grade. Ultimate sexual fantasy is being a gigolo to wealthy old women who don’t want to have sex. Has a three-piece pinstripe Speedo held up with suspenders. Got into a fight with a magpie over a nickel and ended up in intensive care. So they sued it. Are totally cool with you complimenting them on their nose job.  Are jealous of Virgo’s comparatively carefree attitude. Capricorns think that a last name can never have too many hyphens. Name-drops in minimum-security prisons and likes to wear women’s underwear under their suits when they go to shareholder meetings. Even the women feel a thrill when they do this. If you know someone who thinks working all the time is great because sleeping under their desk saves them money on rent, you have a Capricorn.

Aquarius: If you know someone who never blinks, ever, you have probably met an Aquarius. If others have seriously ever wondered if that person may actually be an alien in a people suit on a covert mission to either save or destroy mankind, or possibly both, then that person is probably an Aquarius. If you find it impossible to look in someone’s eyes because even when looking straight at you, they seem to be looking around you, you are probably looking at an Aquarius. They put on the Scissor Sisters to set a romantic mood and brag about being sapiosexual, but that is really just code for hey, I forgot where I parked my hoverboard and I need a ride home. Do you like David Byrne? Is busy reclaiming the leisure suit from The Man. Became associate professor of physics as a sophomore in high school, earned a Fullbright the summer after junior year and used it to build a time machine. And it fucking works.  If you know someone who crashes children’s birthday parties and gets into political debates there, you know an Aquarius. Many successful astrologers are Aquarians because they turn to this after failing to convince the shift manager that no, the customer is always wrong. Viva la revolution!

Pisces:  If you have ever called mall security to find a lost adult, you were probably looking for Pisces. If you finally found said adult being mistaken for one of Santa’s elves, put to work, and going along with it because they hate confrontation, you probably have a Pisces. Pisces takes candy from strangers and advice from trees. Pisces forgets to wear pants and uses a hobo bindle as a pocketbook. Cried for Sauron at the end of The Lord of the Rings because Pisces couldn’t accept that he was such a bad guy after all, and because Pisces often confuses Middle-Earth with Europe, and that is why Pisces lost on Jeopardy. That, and Pisces was too timid to push the buzzer first and too distracted by all the pretty lights. Believes whole-heartedly in the adage write drunk, edit sober, but never edits. Meets you once and knows that you are The One, even if you don’t realize it yet. Actually believes Scorpios can see their souls, even though by soul, Scorpios mean their nipples because they always wear clothes three sizes too big, and because find underwear too constricting. If you know someone who takes thunder and lightning personally and has actually put Hogwarts School of Wizardry on their resume, you have met a Pisces.