Sometimes I would get a call in the early morning from friends of mine who have gone out, met a guy, and wanted to know right away if he’s a good catch. Usually, I think that anyone you meet at a bar at 2 a.m. is NOT a good catch, so I was already thinking no… before yawning and asking why. But I get it, and when you have an astrologer friend, and you are seriously looking for that special someone, you want to use whatever you have to cut to the chase and find out if you should give him your number or go home and sleep the cocktails off.

However, this is not really a good way to determine if you are compatible with someone you just met. The best way to do that is simply talk to them.

There is no one awesome chart. Now, I do have some charts of men whom I would never, ever recommend to any woman I know based on their chart alone, but that is a rare thing. Every chart is a culmination of things. They are holistic and interpersonal compatibility and maturity always shows how a certain aspect in one chart will manifest in a relationship.

Now, let me preface this by saying that just because one or two of these appear in the chart doesn’t mean that you should break up with your partner. You may have one or two in your chart. I have a couple of these myself. We all have our hang-ups and issues, and we learn to work on them through our relationships. This is not an exhaustive list, and some of these are worse than others.

But still, here are a list of aspects and planetary placements and the worst manifestations that could mean someone is not a good catch. I have rarely seen these aspects actually manifest into the worst possible scenarios, but just for fun, here they are:

The worst case scenarios:

Mars conjunct, opposite, or square the Sun. Everything is a competition, and to them, everyone is a competitor, even their spouses and children. It is their way or the highway, and they are impatient. It takes a long time for them to cultivate patience. They are aggressive and sometimes seethe with it like a guard dog.  This is especially true if Mars and the Sun are in the cardinal signs or Scorpio. They have a tendency to perceive an attack where there is none, and can be especially protective of their partner when there is no need for it. Better warn Grandpa not to hug you in front of this one. Actually, they would make a much better guard dog than a romantic partner. There is a reason why everyone tells you to put that one on a leash.

Mars conjunct, opposite, or square Moon. Temper, temper! They will wish you away into the cornfield.  These people have difficulty controlling their emotions and taking responsibility for them. They may be emotionally immature and have problems with women, and they especially have problems with strong and confident women. They have difficulty nurturing others and lose their patience with children and those who depend on them. This is the kind of person who flushes their goldfish down the toilet because they hate cleaning the tank and the goldfish is grateful for it.

Mars conjunct, opposite, or square Uranus. Unpredictable. This person can suddenly turn hostile without warning. May be brilliant but cold, to the point where they are calculating and sadistic with their words, especially their humor. This is the kind of person who is at one moment laughing with the crowd then suddenly having an angry meltdown and storming off, leaving others to wonder what was said that bothered them. Hint: there is a reason why this person has no friends. Lackeys don’t count.

Mars conjunct, opposite, or square Pluto. Ruthless and power-hungry. Love is a game of Monopoly, and this is the person who gets Park Place and Boardwalk and puts up hotels within minutes. This person doesn’t need to control; he needs to conquer. He is tireless. He doesn’t take no for an answer, and to him, resistance makes it more fun. This person doesn’t like to lose, but they also don’t like to win easily, meaning that as soon as they get what they want, they are suddenly not interested anymore, though they still control everything.  They may not do this overtly; you may wake up one day and realize that even if you want to break up, you can’t because you will have no money, no house, no car, no friends, and no family.

Pluto in the  7th House. Pluto in the 7th house can mean that someone always needs the upper hand in a relationship or is absolutely committed to being dominated. They seek out and want to maintain a permanently unequal partnership. This person could also fear being dominated so much that they tend to be suspicious and untrusting of their partners. Get used to being snooped on and interrogated. They can figure out your passwords by watching you type from the other side of the room. They googled you extensively when you started dating, and they probably called an astrologer at 3 a.m. to get the dirt on you.

Saturn in the 7th House.  Unlucky in love and tends to go about getting love like a person dying of hunger in a post-apocalyptic world. They think everyone is starving too, so they take whatever crumbs they find and hold onto them as long as they can because they think there is no more. They take the first thing that comes along and do whatever it takes to keep that person short of true intimacy. They don’t show affection well, and they expect their partners to support them financially or to be completely financially dependent on them, though they are stingy, miserly bastards.

Uranus in the 7th House. Unpredictable heart. This person runs hot and cold, runs to you and away from you. They want you, and then they don’t. Then, they want someone else. And they may want you and that someone else to have a threesome. And then they may say that they’re going out for cigarettes and disappear for three years, then come back and suggest you elope. And then you elope, and they disappear again and you find out that they have another spouse in another state.

Moon in the 12th House. This person hides their feelings and tends to be indirect and needy. They want you to cure them of their emotional problems, though they would prefer to be the long-suffering matyr. You will never know why they’re crying this time, only that you are being blamed for it, and that everyone thinks you’re a jerk but you have no idea what you could have possibly done.

Moon conjunct, opposite, or square Saturn. Mom will drive a wedge. She is an expert at it. She will get in the way of intimacy with your partner, the classic dreaded mother-in-law who hates you and everything about you. You will not be condoned. Ever. She will always let you know that you are 2nd place.  This can also be the sign that you partner’s father will always think you aren’t good enough for his child, whom he still idealizes. You could be Prince Charming and she could be a troll living under a bridge who eats children, but you will never be good enough for his little child-eating troll princess.

Moon conjunct, opposite, or square Pluto. You and me and your mother makes three! Seriously: your partner’s mother is going to be a third party in your relationship. If Pluto is involved, the mother will pretty much make sure you make an honest woman of her or him.  She may actually be so supportive of the relationship that she is actually a third person in it, because she is in it because she is so enmeshed with her own child that you cannot have a relationship with the child that is separate from the mother. If you two have an argument, expect a call from Mom. And you WILL call her Mom…from the moment you meet her. If you propose marriage, it will be Mom’s idea first. She will help you pick out the ring. She insists.

Venus in the 12th House. This person either wants to date you on the down low because they tend to go for partners they know are wrong for them or they specifically go for partners who will piss off their parents. This is a hopeless romantic who erroneously thinks that true love must mean you-and-me-against-the-world. However, once reality sets in, they get disenchanted with their bad-boy or bad-girl  and move on to the next love, especially when they their soulmate gets turned down for parole again and the prison doesn’t wipe down the tables between conjugal visits.

Venus conjunct Neptune.  Like Venus in the 12th house, but more delusional. This person has been planning their wedding and dream house since they were three. Will want to be together all the time and will post pictures of the two of you on Instagram daily.  Probably keeps weird mementos like a cough drop you accidentally spit across the room when you had a chest cold. Actually, this person is more likely to be in love with the relationship than with their actual partner. If you give this person access to your credit card, expect it to be maxed out by the end of the week. They think that Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen were a great couple, and they think that dying together is the most romantic thing in the world. Put a padlock on the medicine cabinet.

Venus conjunct, opposite, or square Uranus. He loves me, he loves me not. You will spend more time trying to figure out if this person actually loves you or not than you will having a normal relationship. Or if they have a job or not or are planning to get one, or where the hell their money comes from. Monogamy is not their bag, and neither is vanilla sex. They are probably awesome at texting and bad at talking. They have strange friends who take up permanent residence in your living room. May take you to a key party, play dumb, and then disappear afterward, for three years.

Venus conjunct, opposite, or square Pluto. Think overly attached girlfriend. Think Pepe Le Pew. They will create an entirely new life so as to fit around being a couple. They will do this the moment they make eye contact with you. They will like what you like, do what you do. They don’t take hints. They don’t take straight talk either. Chances are that you have no idea that they’re infatuated with you until they start, coincidentally, showing up everywhere, including your front lawn. Don’t spend too long visiting Grandma at the hospital if you don’t want them to seethe with jealousy and demand to know why you so callously abandoned them.

No planets in the water signs. Sugar babies. The water signs are emotive and intuitive, and having no planets in them can be a sign of someone who lacks depth of emotion, a good-time Charlie who will split the minute that the going gets rough. This is fine if you’re looking for an arrangement, but if you’re looking for love and a genuine interest in who you are, better wait for this one to grow up a little before you invest your heart.

No planets in the earth signs. Pillow queens. While this person may not be materialistic, people who lack planets in the earth signs either suck in bed, cannot cook or clean, or both. Now, if you don’t mind doing all the housework during the day and all the work at night, then perhaps you are a masochist. Of course, this person will probably not be at home much to make a mess, burn dinner, or lie on the mattress waiting for you to do stuff to their genitals.

Neptune in the 7th House. How good are you at holding in your farts….forever? This person thinks you’re perfect…until you’re not. This person goes from romance to romance finding the perfect, ideal lover who has no flaws, or on the other hand, never dates for fear that they will waste their time with a mere human, and when they met you, think they have hit the jackpot. The good news is that you will be worshiped like the god you are not:  everyone will know that you are the greatest fry cook Denny’s has ever had, a true genius of chicken fingers! Unfortunately, you won’t be able to provide the fairy-tale life this person wants, and if you try to pretend to be everything they want, you will slip up and devastate them when they see that you aren’t a god, and it is impossible to hide this because this person will stick to you like glue. Weirdly enough, it is because they look up to you that they will take on your interests, likes and dislikes, even change careers, and not to be with you so much as to be like you. Pressure enough? 

A stellium in the 8th House. A stellium in the 8th house can indicate a person who just cannot get enough sexual partners. Since planets also represent people who come into our lives, a person with a stellium in the 8th house is prone to infidelity and with a variety of people who represent each of those planets, and the more planets, the more types of partners they may have, often simultaneously.  However, this blows up in their face on an atomic level, and the fallout is insane, as are things that come to an end in the 8th house. If you date someone like this, you want to make sure that you are with them well after they have learned their lesson.

For Men, Mars in Sagittarius. Players gonna play. Sagittarius is the sign of the everlasting bachelor, the one who doesn’t commit, the one who falls in love right now and falls out of love five minutes later. Mars is the planet of male sexuality, and if here, this man tends to see sex as a friendly thing that is exclusive of love, a sport to engage in. This is a love-em-and-leave-em type, and if they do commit but not with their whole heart and not because they want to, they will cheat. Either way, this guy flirts all the time. The good news is that his game isn’t that good and you know what he is all about, and you can play that game too. The bad news is that he may have the clap.

For Woman, Venus in Sagittarius. The girl can’t help it. Very much like Mars in Sagittarius, but more seductive. Venus is the planet of charm, and she has a come-hither look in her eye all the time. Guys rubberneck and fall all over themselves. And she doesn’t get it. This woman never quite settles into being a girlfriend or wife and always has an air about her that she is free if you can keep her interest. She just goes on OkCupid for the quizzes, and she only goes on Tinder to troll guys who want hookups, right? Actually, she does pull pranks like that, so maybe she is pulling your leg when she whispers in your ear that she wants you to take her home and make her moan.

Venus in Capricorn. The strategist. Only boys that save their pennies make her rainy day. This person thinks that love is absolutely a choice, and if you can fall in love just as easily with a rich person as a poor one, why not just fall in love with a rich one? Good qualities are nice and all, but she’s thinking long-term. What did you major in? Where did you go to school? What do you do for a living? How much money do you make? How much will you make in the future? Interestingly, this isn’t the girl who goes for the baller; she goes for the team owner. Bling? No thanks. Diversified portfolio? That gets her panties soaked. She will take a diamond in the rough and polish and shine it, so you better be willing to be sanded down. She is not looking to be taken care of. This Venus is looking for a partner to make her successful in her own right, whether that be socially, or in her career, or just a big fat bank account.

Photo by Comfreak.