Astrology Quick How-to’s For Dealing With Humans

How to figure out someone’s favorite food:

Look at their Moon sign. If there’s any planets in the sixth house, feed them, too.

How to figure out what to get them for their birthday:

First, look to the rising sign to see how they react to getting a gift. Then, look at their 2nd house, planets therein, and then, the Moon sign. If all else fails, buy for the sun sign.

How to know what makes them laugh:

Find Mercury and note the sign, house, and most prominent aspect to it by another planet or luminary. ALSO: take a look at Saturn to know what they don’t find amusing, or find amusing from whom. Whichever houses have Capricorn or Cancer on the cusp tend to be sore issues you shouldn’t make light of.

Where to take them on a first date:

Blend the signs of the 3rd and 5th house cusps, the location of the ruler of the 3rd and 5th houses, any planets therein, the rising sign, and Venus by location and sign.

How to make them unsure if they hate you or not but still want to fuck you and hate themselves for fantasizing about it:

Look at the 12th house cusp, and act as much like that sign as possible. This still works even if the 12th house is intercepted.

How to make them come to you:

Find Mars, note the house and sign, and be whatever it is that house and sign represents.

How to give them quick career advice:

Blend the 10th house ruler, planets in the 10th house, Moon, and north node by sign and aspect.

How to be a friend:

Look at the cusp of the 11th house to determine how quickly they warm up to new people and how close they get. The house and sign of the planet ruling the 11th house will tell you what they expect in a friend. However, to really be someone’s friend, you have to love their Sun and their Moon and respect them.

How to determine how fast they will age:

The angles, the modes, and (sometimes) the elements. Mutable signs tend to age the slowest overall, cardinal signs tend to age gracefully, and fixed signs tend to age in fits and starts, as if they resist and then suddenly succumb. The modes on the angles tend toward aging at a certain rate. preponderance of one mode usually shows how that person will age.

The fire signs either stay eternally youthful or burn out. Often, fire-heavy people tend to always look a little like (goofy) children even as they grow old. Earth-heavy people tend to gain weight that may give them a false appearance of youth in the face but may make their bodies appear to age faster. Water-heavy people also gain weight and tend to puffiness and tissue breakdown as well as hormonal changes that make them appear less youthful, but they overall tend to age slower than fire I Signs. Air-heavy people tend to remain youthful but may develop fine lines and dry hair as they get older and may tend toward a more gaunt appearance that gives a false appearance of aging.

How to determine if they’re too much like your mother/father:

See where your luminaries land in their chart. If one of your luminaries are in their 1st, 4th, 7th, or 10th house, they’ll remind you a lot of one of your parents. If their Saturn makes a hard aspect to your Sun or Moon, they may definitely seem like they’re trying to be your mother or father. Also, Cancerian/Capricornian types tend to be maternal and paternal in love relationships. People with 7th house Saturns tend to age gap relationships that can seem to mimick the parent-child relationship.

How to figure out what your spouse is going to be like:

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Find the asteroid Juno. Her placement by sign and house tells you how you see your future spouse and their role in your marriage.

How to find out their sexual kinks:

Look at the planets in the 7th and 8th houses, mostly 8th house, the sign on the 8th house, too. In sexually repressive cultures, look at the 12th house, too, and in sexually liberated ones, the 11th house.

Do they like soup?

Most people like soup, I think, but people who have Neptune or Jupiter the 6th house like foods with a lot of things in them, and people with prominent Moons like liquids, tend to be thirty, and like comfort food.

How to figure out what would drive them to kill another person:

Look at Pluto by sign and aspect. Also, Mars if you want to know what makes them angry, the twelfth house to figure out what they’d rather kill than face, and see which house is ruled by Sagittarius, because its surprisingly the best sign for rationalizing terrible behavior.

How to figure out if they’d rather be alone:

Saturn in any social house tends toward solitude, but if it makes a harsh aspect to the luminaries or Jupiter, the individual may be withdrawn, hesitant to warm up, or just likes being alone. Saturn in the 3rd, 5th, and 7th houses tends toward early experiences of alienation and loneliness that become a tendency to avoid rejection by being aloof and formal.

Signs on the 1st/7th house axis: Taurus, Scorpio, Virgo, and Pisces risings are more likely to be overwhelmed by people and need time to re-charge their batteries, particularly Virgo and Pisces rising. Aries, Libra, Gemini, and Sagittarius really need people to like them; however, Sagittarius is totally cool exploring alone but will likely make friends on the way or narrate the whole trip on social media. Aquarius and Leo risings can’t be alone even if they want to because they live under a microscope, and Cancer and Capricorn both dread being abandoned.

If you’re a woman, trying to capture a man’s interest:

Find his Venus, Moon, and Dark Moon (Lilith) by sign and house. Note the strongest astrological aspects to those signs. Then, take note of the sign and house opposite his Moon. Also note any lack in elements or modes. You go and be one, some, or all these things.

Or, just tell him that you squirt. That’s quicker, and even if you’re lying, he’ll dedicate himself to proving you wrong.

If you’re a man, trying to capture a woman’s interest:

Find her Sun, Mars, and Dark Moon (Lilith) by sign and house. Take note of the sign opposite her Sun and do everything you can to not come off like that.

Do not tell her you squirt. Do not send her dick pix. Don’t send them to me, either.

How to know whether someone has magickal abilities:

This one is a bit complex. Everyone can do magick, but for those for whom it’s second nature, or something they’re very interested in or do regularly, there’s some ways to tell.

The sixth house is the house of ritual magick, folkcraft, and witchcraft.

The eighth house is the house of transmutation and fusion of energy into material reality.

The twelfth house is the house of unseen, where the last set, present, and future meet.

The ninth house is the house of foresight and prediction.

The fourth house is the house of beginnings, endings, and graves.

Ideally, the individual has strong planetary or luminary placements in these houses, and those planets aren’t debilitated by a harsh aspect to Saturn or Mars. This is especially true if Mars is in the 1st house and Saturn is in the 7th house, because Saturn in the 7th hinders making connections with others and Mars in the first house makes empathy harder. This is not to say that a person with Mars in the first house or Saturn in the 7th house cannot have magickal abilities, but rather it will take some effort to reach their potential, likely because someone in their lives who represents that Mars and that Saturn actively thwarts them. Mars awakens energy of all types, for good or for bad, and someone with a Mars in the 1st house who is naturally magickal may at first have difficulty controlling their abilities.

Or…Saturn or Mars, or both, are in these houses, and making strong aspects to beneficial and generational planets.

Now, check the Moon. While we’re all inclined to believe that Scorpio and Pisces Moons tend to be the most preternaturally, innately psychic, all the Moon signs have their own uncanny abilities according to their sign. The Moon should be prominent, and well-aspected and well-placed so that it has a place of importance in the chart, and if not in a “psychic” or magickal house, than in the 1st or 10th house, so that others can see and sense this ability.

Now, check Neptune and Pluto. These are generational planets, so their sign isn’t as important as is placement in the chart and the aspects they make to personal planets and luminaries. A person inclined to tap into the universal, to explore spirituality (Neptune) and transform (Pluto) has strong placements for these planets. These planets may also make strong/harsh aspects to the Sun, Moon, Mercury, and Mars.

Look for singleton planets in the birth chart. A lot of the energy of singleton planets tends to be focused and intense.

Look for retrogrades. Retrograde energy is expressed from the inside out, and in magickal contexts, often in private. Mercury retrograde, for example, is thought and communication turned inward. These people are more comfortable having their own thoughts and ideas about things rather than seeking knowledge from individuals, and are less likely to want to memorize lengthy incantations and may prefer sigils and other symbolic ways of communicating. Uranus retrograde may prefer eclectic, chaos magick. Venus retrograde may be especially into worship of goddesses, idol worship, and into beautiful altars. Mars retrograde may use kundalini/tantric/sex magic a lot, and may be especially adept at sudden, potent magick in the heat of the moment. And so on and so forth.

How to know when you’ll meet your soulmate

I’ve written about this, and I’m not convinced that the conventional idea of soul mates is a thing. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure this one out, because finding love is a much broader thing than we make it out to be. I think there are many ways to figure this out based entirely on the individual chart. Usually, it’s not when you’re pining for it, because your energy is focused on pining and on the deficit: you’re channelling your energy to yourself, within yourself, looking for whatever you can change within yourself to find what it is you think you want.


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