And what did the exact conjunction of Jupiter and Pluto in Capricorn bring you ?

My boyfriend of six years — the one I wrote about here – passed away in the wee hours of April 5, 2020. It was sudden. I don’t know if it was corona virus related, but it could have been, or it could have been unrelated. We don’t know yet.

Either way, I am now quarantined for the next 14 days alone in the apartment my boyfriend just died in.

I have already yelled at the chair he died in twice, reminding it that he wasn’t supposed to die, and all the things that are being left undone because he died instead.

It doesn’t make me feel better in the long run, but it makes me less overwhelmed by replaying his death in my mind.

Because I always thought dying had more drama, but it doesn’t, actually. You can be looking at someone, telling them to hold on, they’re not going to die and the next minute, their eyes stop seeing you. They become blank.

But above all, I can’t believe he’s gone. I mean, it was always reasonable to think he would die first because of the age gap, but not now. Things were getting very good for us. This was a time to be looking forward to the future, not putting an end to it. The time for deaths was decades into this relationship, not six years.

I still don’t know what happened exactly. He wasn’t feeling well for the past few days, and that included shortness of breath, but he has asthma. He wasn’t going to the doctor about it. He has good days and bad days with his allergies and other health issues, but he’s stubborn.

I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I will accept this. I don’t know when I will get over the grief. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to sleep alone at night. I am too exhausted to keep crying. My head hurts so much, and I will wake up to more of the same.