An Alternative Interpretation of Sodom and Gomorrah a Lot (Get it? LOT!) of People Hate

Feeling a little salty?

Sometimes I like to illustrate a point with a story, and sometimes I obviously want to tell a story and then stick it in the wrong topic. This one in particular was the introduction to this article as a long-winded way of describing the problem of human perception when reading an astrological chart, because we tend to go into the chart looking for what we want to find. This isn’t a bad thing: after all, if you hire me to read a chart for you for a particular reason, I’m going to do the chart reading for that particular reason. If you want a vocational reading, I’m not going to spend hours looking at your childhood trauma first, because that’s not what I’m looking for, and I’m especially not going to spend hours talking about it before I even get to why you hired me in the first place.

But my take on Sodom and Gomorrah has bothered too many people for it to NOT have it’s own blog post, so here it goes:

An Alternative Reading of Sodom and Gomorrah: An Exercise in Perception

Do you ever notice how parables and stories that are meant to teach a lesson somehow depart from actual human behavior?

If you’re familiar with the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, these were apparently cities that were full of perversion and bad things that Yahweh didn’t like, such as fun. The only righteous man living in Sodom was Lot, a huge square with a wife and two daughters. Now, Yahweh wasn’t yet on the whole big forgiveness track as Jesus was just a glimmer in his eye (or was the Word, and the Word was always with God, and the Word was God, but the Jesus narrative, as you may have noticed, requires a lot of retrofitting into the origin canon to make it work), so he decided he wanted destroy the cities and all the fun.

However, he decided to save Lot and his family because Lot was so fucking righteous, and not in a Bill-and-Ted type of righteousness way, but in the way that there’s always the lone hold out in Bible stories that always somehow gets shafted in the end with the remote possibility of being paid back for all the selfless suffering (hello, Abel, Job, Jacob, David, John the Baptist, Paul…)

As a sidenote, there is no mention in the Bible of how bad Sodom and Gomorrah actually were, or what they actually did other than condone homosexuality. It’s really improbable that both cities were just full of homosexuals, because somebody had to keep making Sodomites and Gomorrahans, and statistically, even if they were the ancient world’s oases of homosexuality, given travel restrictions, early deaths, poor nutrition, lack of medical advances, the slow spread of information, and the fact that homosexuals are vastly outnumbered by heterosexuals in any given population, I can’t see how these twin cities could have seen anything but a steady decline in population until they became the east-and-west arts district of a much larger city. But anyway. The god decided to send two of his angels down to tell Lot that the city was going to be destroyed and that they would lead him out. Cool, right?

However, when they arrived, apparently the streets flooded with homosexuals who demanded Lot turn his guests over so they could all get a turn fucking them.

Like, not two guys. Not ten. Not even like a club-full of gay men: a full-on horny horde of homosexuals flooding the streets and nearly breaking down Lot’s door to get at two dudes they haven’t even seen.

So this is around the time you should be questioning the veracity of this tale, because I honestly cannot think of a more looks-oriented demographic that is also very picky about what it likes than gay men. Now, unless these angels were so hot that, sight unseen, a bunch of guys were going to commit to standing in a long line for the remote possibility to fuck one of them because they were universally irresistible to ALL gay men – twink and bear, otter and wolf, chubby and chicken, drag queens and theater queens – I just don’t see it. Unless of course, the god specifically sent these two universally hot angels down to Sodom and Gommorrah to fuck with all the guy’s heads so they would run up to Lot’s place like horny zombies, which is just a weird thing to do when your intention is just to get one guy and his family out of the city, right? I mean, why intentionally attract so much attention if you’re not actually just looking for attention in the first place, you know? Wouldn’t it be easier to sneak Lot out if the angels looked like Ben Shapiro and Charlie Kirk?

So this is where it kind of gets even weirder, but if I can get in the heads of the Sodomites here, I do believe these guys were just totally fucking with Lot because Lot doesn’t know how to take a joke and literally thought all the guys in the street were not joking when they asked him to send his friends out so they could fuck them. And that itself is kind of fucked up; it reads like bad erotica if it’s true. I mean, you know, it’s not the nicest thing to shout at your neighbor, and it IS sexual harassment, but this kind of sounds like something drunk people may yell at their self-righteous neighbor who is always giving them dirty looks and acting like they’re all holier-than-thou even though they married a local girl and shit in the same alley as you.

Well Lot did not offer his friends, the angels. He had quite a few choices other than that though, and the one he decided on was something completely and wholly unnecessary: he offered his virgin daughters. Now, he either knew that the guys wouldn’t want to fuck his daughters, or that his God would be happier to let these two perfectly innocent teen girls be raped by a horde than for his angels to be put into any position to defend themselves swiftly and easily as angels obviously could because of all their god-given superpowers and shit.

And apparently that makes Lot a righteous man. In a pinch, the righteous man offers his tween daughters to men in the street in case any of them start shouting about wanting to fuck his friends. Gotcha.

Now, imagine if that happened anywhere in real life. Imagine say, going to Boystown, wearing your “god hates fags” sandwich board that you like to wear, and then two of your friends come over to you. Imagine that some drunk guys then make jokes about how you’re closested and that they want to fuck your friends.

So, instead of ignoring them, instead of locking yourself in the car, or running away, you grab your 11 and 12  year old daughters, turn to the guys and say “don’t fuck my friends, gay dudes! Here! Fuck my kids instead. Fuck them to your heart’s delight. Take them and pass them around to your friends. Pass them through the entire neighborhood, but guys: I went to college with these guys, alright? We have a bond. They’re my bros.”

If qanon was a thing back then, they would all be reposting the gay dudes’ Twitter feeds and vaguely threatening to take them down and voting for Lot as President of the United States of America.

But mercifully for those little girls, the guys were pretty much all Kinsey sixes and just fixated on Lot’s bros, banging on the door and trying to push passed both Lot and his daughters to get to that hot ethereal angel ass.

Well, the party never got started, because before the men were able to get into the house, the angels blind them all. Like made all of them suddenly unable to see anything at all whatsoever.

And yet, bizarrely enough, the Sodomites still were trying to find the door because they still wanted to fuck Lot’s friends.


Let’s just say, hypothetically that this was true, and 1000 horny gay men were all vying for a chance at one of two guys they 1) never saw and 2) would never get a chance to see anyway, and when those guys blinded them, but they still keep coming, because the blinding was somehow  not a deterrent, like that was not a big enough hint that they were barking up the wrong tree.

I don’t know about you, but even if I was part of a big horny horde, completely succumbing to both lust and mob mentality, the minute the anyone blinded me, I’m turning right the fuck around. It’s game over. My libido is gone. And I sincerely doubt that even a gay man, on Viagra during Pride with the vanilla Stoli flowing like a river, is still going to go for it when he’s fucking blind all of a sudden. I mean, that is pretty much the harshest way to turn someone down for sex. The angels didn’t tell them to go away, nor did they barricade the door, nor did they kick them all in the balls at once. They fucking blinded them. Even those of us with the thickest skin will take the fucking hint and go away.

< So that’s probably your first indication of the story is completely made up by someone who doesn’t understand human sexuality or human minds, someone like an ancient version of Ben Shapiro.

And speaking of wives who have it tough:

I also think that the Bible was way too harsh on Lot’s wife. That was her hometown, a place where she spent her entire life, not even allowed to look back one last time before it was completely destroyed, while she’s being led out by two creepy, apparently super uber-fuckable strangers because her husband’s god wants them to go die in the wilderness instead of in a fire with all their friends? Harsh.

But moreover, is it really fair to tell someone to just walk away from a complete and total shit show and not even look? Telling them not to look is pretty much telling them to go ahead and look. Yet, strangely enough, instead of letting the angels just go ahead and blind her for looking since they apparently already had the green light for doing that AND it would seem like a more natural consequence, which would’ve totally solve the problem at its root so she couldn’t do that specific bad thing again, she’s turned into a pillar of salt. What the fuck? Okay, blinding a guy because you don’t want to have sex with him, blinding thousands of guys you don’t want to have sex with them, okay. That’s reasonable on this particular spectrum that is exclusive to this bizarro universe. But turning a human being into a pillar of salt, taking their very personhood from them because they took a little peep at two cities burning? That doesn’t even make sense.

How could it possibly be that the mere nostalgia of one innocent woman is a bigger sin than attempted angel gang rape by an entire city?

Do you really think that’s a stretch? Now, this is the point where, had you never heard this story or had you never heard of Yahweh or any of the Abrahamic religions that you might say “this is fucked up, and this god sucks,” but my guess is that this wasn’t the story the missionaries told to seal the deal.

And then, to prove that maybe Lot was really all by himself in his piety, the story goes on to say that his virgin daughters get him drunk and fuck him so they can make babies, and the Greatest Story Ever Told goes on.

Notice that they didn’t drink anything in the story. They came to their dad, in the desert, after the trauma of losing their home, knowing their father pimped them out hours before to every dude in town, and that their father’s god took from them the one parent who probably gave a shit about them and their dad did nothing about it, and then they, virgins, fucked that piece of shit drunk-ass dad of theirs completely sober

So yeah, the story was obviously written by someone who didn’t know anything about the female anatomy, or what it’s like to actually be drunk, or what it’s like to actually have a soul. Like Ben Shapiro. Truly, if a man is righteous, it would take a lot of fucking wine to get him drunk enough to not only want to fuck his own daughter, but to keep it up in order to finish and impregnate her.

And seriously: out of all the things, of all the things they were bringing with them out of Sodom and Gomorrah, they just happen to bring enough wine to get their Dad rip-roaring drunk so he could impregnate them? And, it somehow worked on the first shot?

This story wants you to believe that Lot just happened to leave home when both his daughters were ovulating AND was immune to whiskey dick AND apparently forgot all about the wife that the god just killed not long before AND that he nearly died escaping a city that that god destroyed because that god is weird about sex.

None of that got in his way.

Lot was a fucking grade A piece of shit and all-around garbage human, but apparently, his saving grace was that he didn’t like the bussy.

So, Jehovah hates two consenting men having sex, but he loves Dad rape and Dads handing their kids to horny strangers.

And yeah, apparently we are all descendants from this bizarre act of incest that Yahweh orchestrated.

And you know what? I bet those daughters, who could have only been teens at the time, wanted to punch themselves in the faces the day that they learned that there were other cities in the world full of men who weren’t their dad, and they didn’t have to sell themselves short and settle for the guy who pretty much ruined every fucking thing in their lives forever.

And imagine how awkward it was when they would meet those new people, and those people heard their heroic tale of escaping the burning city with only their father surviving, thinking he was surely the only man left alive in the world, and then watching as people’s smiles turned to furrowed brows and looks of confusion then horror when they glance at the children and started doing the math in their heads.

Maybe they just lied and told everyone that it was the two angels who did it. I would. I would lie the fuck out of that until I died.

But that makes me wonder: if the Sodomites were willing to take the virgins, and they all raped the two girls to death, would that have been enough to satisfy Yahweh and earn his mercy because at the very least, the guys were bi-flexible?

The religious will use the story to illustrate how the god feels about homosexuality, but I think it does a better job illustrating that homosexuals aren’t pedophiles and that we have known this since antiquity.

And that’s the real moral of the story of Sodom and Gommorrah: gay dudes won’t the fuck kids, so their dads have to have sex with them instead. God wants it that way or he will kill your mama.

Where is qanon when you need them?!

But back in the day, when we didn’t know anything about science, or nature, or reason because we were all just trying to survive, if somebody had heard the story, they were totally fucking going believe in Jehovah, and they would worship him. Why? Because he’s clearly a fucking narrow-minded capricious psycho who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything but has both a terrifying power and taste for destruction that far exceeds his capacity for discretion.

But that doesn’t mean that we still have to worship this god now. In fact, He still lives this way, apparently, because the whole Bible is supposed to be the word of God, no matter how much it contradicts with the Jesus story and the new law that Jesus brought. It’s like Jesus is always Jehovah’s designated driver: when Jehovah is drunk and angry and wants to beat up a bunch of homosexuals, Jesus steps in the way and takes the hit every time, via the crucifixion, and just like with every other co-dependent relationship, Jesus is the quickest to defend his abuser and put him on a pedestal when anyone so much as questions Jehovah’s craziness.

So just looking at the story from this point of you, it really doesn’t make any sense does it? It’s not what you would think it would be despite the way the parts were arranged and what we expected to get from the story.

All stories, wherever and however they exist, are always open to interpretation. The story is always there. The elements are always there. The rest is up to the narrator and to the reader, so hopefully you have a reliable narrator and an attentive reader if a story is to survive.

So when we’re reading an astrological chart, we’re reading a story based on our own expectations, based on what we’re looking for. The chart is limited to the symbolic and the intuition of the reader as well as the reader’s hopes, fears, prejudices, knowledge and information at the time of reading. Most of us will never be 100% objective in a reading, but most of us will do our best to try and to learn from how the reading hits so as to augment our perception and perfect our analyses. This is a long-winded way of saying we’re all trying to be objective because we want to be good at this, and to be good at this, we have to be able to be as correct as possible, and just like facts and WAPs, charts don’t care about your feelings.

One thought on “An Alternative Interpretation of Sodom and Gomorrah a Lot (Get it? LOT!) of People Hate

  1. Pingback: Astrologers are All Doing It: Crushing on (or Falling in Love With) an Astrological Chart | Fugitive Umbrellas

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